Preface

This is my day of death as an atheist.

After I had realized I had an encounter with the Lord, I thought this was a unique or one in a million experience. Hearing what to me, had to be  God’s voice speak to me was something I have never experienced. Nothing short of a miracle. I thought, “Wow! What an amazing experience!”  Then as time passes I begin to hear more and more stories like mine. At first it surprised me a little. Then I kept hearing even more and more stories not much different than mine. And I thought to myself, “Wait a minute! This experience I had is not so unique! This isn’t a one in a million experience!”. But nevertheless, I am even more amazed every time I hear “one of these stories”. Why would I be amazed after hearing the same kind of story over and over again? Because it is God’s work. And God’s work will never cease to amaze me. God’s work doesn’t stop here either, now every time I look around, no matter where I am, I see God’s work. It has always been there in front of me. I just took it for granted.

Here is my story.

On the morning of February 2, 2010 my day was a gloomy, lonely day, full of nothing but despair and desolation. I was confused. I felt as if a loved one had died. That was the day of culmination of a four year relationship that was headed in a downward spiral from day one. What led to this? My girlfriend and I were having serious problems in our relationship from the beginning. We have had many seriously ugly fights for many different reasons. And respect for each other had gone out the window. A few days previous, she left me and that was bad, real bad. But not nearly as bad as taking with her our baby Ariana. Even before she was born, I was already very attached to her and loved her with all my heart. I have never loved anyone like this before.

I was near the worst point of a deep depression. At around 4:00 pm that afternoon I headed to my cousin’s to drop off most of my belongings in her spare apartment. I stayed there for a while that afternoon talking to her. I broke down and my cousin a Christian woman, tried comforting and consoling me. She, (somewhat) knowing where I stood spiritually, didn’t bring up biblical scripture, at least not in an obvious way. She told me how I was broken down like an old building and I was so far at the bottom, the only way from there was up. That I had to start re-building myself back up. Noticing my emotional state she went ahead and said to me, “Omar I know how you are and you are a good person. You don’t deserve being in the place you are in now. Just try something. Try God. God said in the bible to try Him and call upon Him and He will reveal Himself to you”.  I really didn’t think much of what she said at the time. Actually I thought to myself  “Yeah, Yeah. I don’t need God. I just need to know a way out of this mess I am in”.

I said to her, “Thank you for listening and good bye” and left. I drove a few blocks and parked my car in a grocery store parking lot. I stayed there for about two hours.  I was afraid to go home to an empty house.

The all too familiar thoughts started creeping into my conscience again. You see, back in May of the previous year, we had a similar conflict that led to her leaving and me in my first deep depression ever. While she was gone for about a week, I tried several times to commit suicide, taking copious amounts of sleeping pills, some times up to ten or twelve and drinking large amounts of hard liquor, about half to one bottle every morning. But incredibly none of this had any effect on me. [WOW! As I just wrote this last sentence, I realized the reason why the pills had no effect on me! I will come back to this later.]

Back in my car, in the parking lot, I decide it is time to go home. I felt I was driving to a court hearing where I was going to be sentenced to death. I remember driving over the Howard Franklin bridge thinking, “Would it be possible for me to drive this SUV fast enough to go over or crash through the bridge barriers and into the water?”, but then I thought I didn’t want to attempt something that wouldn’t successfully kill me. Just as my previous failed attempts in May. I kept driving.

I finally get home, but it’s not a home anymore. It was just a house with some furniture and a bunch of packed up boxes all over. Nothing more. No one else there except for me. Just like that time in May. I laid on the couch calling everyone I could think of that would pick up their phone and actually listen to my whining. I didn’t want to be alone. I new what I was preparing myself to do and I was scared. I didn’t want to go through it but I felt I had to do it. There was no other way. After a few unanswered calls, I am starting to feel like no one is there for me and no one cares whether I exist or not. My suicidal thoughts grow stronger and stronger. “One last call and that will be IT” I said to myself. One of my friends answered her phone and actually listened. After a lengthy conversation, I began to realize that some people might actually care about me. But that didn’t make me feel that much better. I hung up the phone and stayed laying on the couch, and for a split second I remembered something. (February 2nd, 2010, 7:30-8:00 PM) And I closed my eyes and said, “God I never really believed you existed, but if you do, if you are real, I need your help”.

This is when everything takes a very bizarre turn for me. All the anguish and pain and despair that was weighing me down was lifted from me and (here is the crazy part) I literally heard the most comforting voice that I have ever heard, that softly but very clearly said (in English), “Everything will be alright”. And instantly, an incredible and indescribable and overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach (specifically, right between my stomach and my chest), of inner peace came over me and took over as if I was high on some kind of drug or drunk. For some strange reason, hearing this voice and having this sudden emotional change did not freak me out but it sure got me very confused. That was the first and only time God has spoken straight to my ear, but not the last time He would speak to my heart, which is really not much different. Soon after, He spoke to my heart and said to me, “forgive EVERYONE that has done you wrong and get rid of all hate in your heart. At the moment I did not understand, but I do now. After a few minutes I called my friend back and told her what I did and what happened. She very excited said to me “Wow! Omar, you know what that was?” No. I replied. She said “That was the Holy Spirit!” I didn’t know what to think at the time but I didn’t care. I just believed. The next morning I called a few people, some family, some friends all of them Christian. I also told them about my experience from the night before and they all were also very excited and came to the same conclusion that I have been touched by the Holy Spirit. Not only did I accept that conclusion, I embraced it. The Holy Spirit is amazing. He has spoken to me for instruction and direction. At times I would read things in the scriptures for the first time, things I already knew and was told by God! He also through the Holy Spirit, has given me the wisdom and boldness I have needed to witness and talk to some people that I would otherwise keep things of this matter from.

Later that day on February 3, around noon my girlfriend shows up with my daughter whom I haven’t seen for days. It was the icing on the cake. I picked up my baby and held her tight and smothered her with kisses and sniffed her all over like a dog with her pups. I even missed how she smelled. My girlfriend knowing how I dealt with my first depression, thought I would be in real bad shape. She even thought I would have gone through with suicide. But to her surprise (and confusion might I add), I was in the best emotional state I have ever been (because I knew ‘EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT’). She asked me why I was in such a good mood. And I said to her “something happened to me last night”. “What happened to you last night?” she asked. I smiled and replied, “I am in a new relationship”. With somewhat of a look of disappointment, she said, ” Oh, really? Why who? Your ex?”. I said “No, its not a girl”. She said surprised, “What?! Don’t tell me you are now gay!” I chuckled and said, “Nope. Not gay.” She, confused again said, “Huh? If you’re not in a relationship with a girl and not gay, what are you talking about?” I said to her,”Ok. Are you ready for this? Here we go. I am in a relationship with God”. “What?!” she replied very surprised. I told her what happened to me the night before and after a few minutes of her trying to digest and take in what I had just said to her, she tells me she wants to work things out and have us both turn a new leaf and start a fresh start.

Since then we have found a Church we can call our home. We now know how to handle the few times of small conflict because we are together growing everyday closer to Jesus. We are getting baptized and dedicating our daughter. We are engaged to get married on the first week of February 2011.

- God killed an atheist to make room for another one of  His children to be born. Thank you God for taking me in. Now I know you. If you don’t know Him let Jesus in your heart and trust in Him. He will make you a new person with a new heart and new desires. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He loves you and he loves me and He saved me. And for that I love Him. - Matthew 11:28 | John 3:3 | John 3:16 | John 14:6

Amen!